I sent you a message that you never got see so I’ll write this letter to you.
It’s half a month later and every day comes with brand new realization that you’re actually gone. I try hard not to despair because I know you wouldn’t have wanted this for us but only someone who never knew you, lived with you, laughed with you, fought with you and loved you would think that possible. I don’t know how the world continues to spin without you in it but somehow it does and it’s not fair.
If I were asked to pick one foundest memory of my 26 years, I’d pick the entirety of you. The school drop offs and pick ups right from kindergarten until I finished highschool which my friends think was a bit too much but that’s how much you loved us. At a time when we were hopeless, you took our three chubby hands and gave us love, gave us a home. The nights you stayed up with me, scared yourself but holding me through countless asthma episodes. It hurts me so much that I wasn’t there to hold your hand when you struggled the same.
I know it was not always smooth sailing. New school term beginnings were the hardest on all of us and I did not get it then. I did not get why you always turned into this ‘step monster’ but I get it now. Having over 7 little mosters to grow into responsible adults mustn’t have been an easy thing to do but you made it work. Then the one time you bought me these long ugly dresses I had to wear to school yet all I wanted was for boys to notice me. Well they did notice me but all for the wrong reasons and boy was I ever so mad at you. What I wouldn’t give to be mad at you again.
What I will miss most is the jokes and the laughter. You brought so much joy and laughter in every room. To hear you laugh one more time.
A lot has been said to me over the last couple of days but what stands out for me is the “She’s in a better place”. I’m not a Christian (you’d probably have killed me if you had known this) and I don’t believe in the magical place up above the clouds but for you I hope christians are right. I hope you really are in a better place like they keep telling me because you deserve nothing but to be in a good place. I hope you found Grandma in this good place. I imagine she took your hand and of course chastised you for being too early(because that was her way, scold first), but she is there, and you are not alone.
As for the seven and more of us, the laughter and the pain will stay with us. The lessons we grumbled about and thought you were being hard on us will stick with us. I hope we can make you proud. I hope we can make all your love and sacrifices worth it. I hope we can pick this family up from where you left it and I hope we can be the people you thought we could be.
We miss you so much.